I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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