I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
