Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
