Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
