Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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