I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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