You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
