well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
