Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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