The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sorry about my life...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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