My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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