So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
