I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
