tell your sister to shave her snatch
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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