You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
