Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
