I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
