Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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