You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
