He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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