update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
