I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Jerry, you need to find god
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
