Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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