Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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