dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
