My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
