It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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