My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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