I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
