Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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