she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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