we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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