she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
