Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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