Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think a kid would responsible me up
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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