Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It's never too late to be topless.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
