you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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