My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
