How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
