FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
