Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize