When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
