Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
