There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
