I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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