Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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