I accidentally had phone sex last night
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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