Barsexuality is the new black.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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