He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
