There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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