oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
