dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
