Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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