I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
