Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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