what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
