We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
