I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
