nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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