I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
